Sunday, July 25, 2010

Joy comes in the morning

Scripture says.....
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
Yesterday was one of those hard days you hear are coming.  Where grief and sadness seem to overwhelm every part of my being.  It took every strength I had......well.....not true...........it took every strength I had from the Lord to survive through the night.  My bible in hand, reading scripture, many times just resting my head on my bible as that is all the strength I could muster, seeking out wise council and prayer from trusted believers, and my husband by my side praying over me when I could no longer pray for myself.

My devotion this morning fed my soul....
"As you listen to the birds calling to one another, hear also MY LOVE - call to you.  I speak to you continually: through sights, sounds, thoughts, impressions, Scripture.  There is no limit to the variety of ways I can communicate with you.  Your part is to be attentive to MY messages, in whatever form they come.  When you set out to find ME in a day, you discover that the world is vibrantly alive with MY PRESENCE.  You can find ME not only in beauty and birdcalls, but also in tragedy and faces filled with grief.  I can take the deepest sorrow and weave it into a pattern for good".
Search for ME and MY messages, as you go through this day. You will seek ME and find ME when you seek ME with your whole being."   Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Yesterday and throughout the night I felt desperate and alone.  Finally I dug down deep, I found the strength to reach out...to SEEK Him, My EL SHADDAI,......to SEEK out comfort, help and strength. I lived these next verses.
     Jeremiah 29:12-14  "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord"
     Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
     John 10:27-30  "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”  
Surely as I made it through the night it was because I was held in his righteous right hand. Satan did not win.  Another day has come....JOY, JOY, JOY.....praise the Lord.  Today is here.  Another day I rise to love and care for my children, to love and submit to my husband and to praise His HOLY name.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Resting in the Lord

When I hear "rest" I often think SLEEP.   As a mom of 5 sleep is a precious resource that is often lacking.  But I don't think the Lord wants me to sleep with him.  No resting IN Him = Trusting Him.

The lack of control on my part.  Giving up trying to steer the ship myself and allowing Him to take over. 
           I REST in the Lord when I am quiet enough to hear His voice. 
           I REST in the Lord when I am still enough to watch Him work.

I am guilty of turning away from the Lord during these hard times.  I know He wants me to look UP to Him and to continue His work in my life.  Lately I have been tired, more like exhausted, just done with life.  Why....really is my life any harder than anyone else.  NO, certainly not.

I have been resting but not resting IN the Lord.  Resting...wrong word....giving up on life.  Life was hard so I gave up.  But that is not possible....Life is still going on but now just without me in it.  Joy, Happiness, Grief, Pain,.........all still happening no matter if I engage in life or not.

Satan has been working it good.  Pushing me down in the mire, kicking more mud in my face until I am drowning deep in the well.  But I can still see the light.  The light of the Lord all around me.  My husband, My Brittany, My little ones, My friends...they are BRIGHT beams of light.  Calling to me deep in the pit.......saying please, please come out to play.  Live, Live again...we are worth it.
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand" Psalm 40:2

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5(Amp)
It is time for me to reengage in life.  My life with My Savior.  I will REST in Him, give Him control, quietly listen for His marching orders and DO what He asks. 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lifekeepers Promise

I found this poem in a book that was given to me at my support group.  I have been so blessed by this "promise" and I wanted to share it will all of you.  It is for everyone but especially those who are survivors of suicide.

Lifekeepers Promise

Someone we love did not keep their life.
In pain and anguish, they endured their strife. 


In this lifetime on earth, we'll see them no more.
Yes we carry them always in our soup, in our core.


Now we're left here, and we must stay.
We have life to live to the fullest each day.


For we are the Lifekeepers, a promise we make. 
To celebrate their lives, our own not to take. 


We are the Lifekeepers, truth bearers, peace seekers. 
We are the wounded, we are the healed. 
We are the Lifekeepers, our commitment now sealed. 

Written by Sandy Martin, Founder of the Lifekeeper Foundation

Monday, July 19, 2010

To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA): A beautiful power vision

I had casually heard of this organization over the past year.  I even participated in a day in their honor where I wrote the word "LOVE" on my arm to support the advocacy for those who use self-harm as a way of coping each day.

It wasn't until by own life was changed by suicide that I really took a look at their story.....how they began and their vision and mission.  WOW....can I say.  These are some of the most powerful words I have read in my life.  Their vision brings tears to my eyes each and every time I read it.

TWLOHA VISION:
"The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss.  Millions of people live with problems of pain.  Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay.  We know that pain is very real.  It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption.  We're seeing it happen.  We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need.  People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.  People stepping into treatment.  In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline.  We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.  We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. 

The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. 

The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.

The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. 

The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. 

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know. 

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

Powerful and LIFE changing.   The last 3 lines I have personalized, printed out and now read often each day.

      "I am LOVED more than I will ever know, I have HOPE and My hope is REAL,  I am not alone and this is NOT the END of MY STORY"
To learn more about this awesome organization and to get involved....check them out at http://www.twloha.com

Friday, July 16, 2010

All you need is love (all together now)

(Love, love, love,)
(love, love, love,)
(love, love, love.)

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game 
It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time - 
It's easy.

All you need is love, 
All you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
(Love, love, love,)
(love, love, love,)
(love, love, love.)


All you need is love, 
All you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love, 
All you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
    (Beatles by Lennon & McCartney
Is this true?  Is this what LIFE is all about?  All we need is love?

These have been the questions of my heart the past 6 weeks.....really for years and years....but a desperate deep longing for answers... ... ...
                                 ... ... ...since my life changed forever on June 5, 2010 6:23pm.

Is all we need is LOVE?  
                       What does that mean? 
      Is that the love of another person?
                                       The love of a man/woman/friend?
Is that the love of God?

Or is this something deeper, a love of ourselves....deep within ourselves.
A love....or an acceptance OF love.  Love is all around us but do we feel it.

First, God loves us... HE loves all of us every minute, every hour of everyday of our lives.

How do I know this.....because Holy Scripture says so.....1 John 4:19, Eph 3:17-19, John 3:16, Eph 2:4, Psalm 136:26, too many more to list.  That is the easy part.  I am a child of God.  My mom is a child of God.  God is forever true, Forever good, Forever God.

Second, The people around us love us........family, friends, even strangers often show love.  They love us.  Maybe not unconditionally like Our God.  But they love...they love as much as they can.

This morning I was praying through some of my favorite parts of the book "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore.  I hadn't read Chapter 5 in a long time...."Overcoming the insecurity of Feeling Unloved".  I have always skipping, skimmed and overlooked this chapter. As I flipped past this morning, it tugged on my heart.

I know I am loved....but what about my mom.  Right after she died, the Lord told me....she was loved but she never accepted it.  She never loved herself so it didn't matter how much I loved her.  It could not keep her alive forever.  My love did for a time...but at some point she needed to accept LOVE and believe it for herself.  Deep down in her soul and that never happened.

She never "GOT IT".

The Lord kept telling me this over and over the week after she died.  Whenever satan tried to bring up feelings of guilt...He reminded me....I loved her.  I truely loved her with all my heart.  She knew this in her head but she never accepted it in her heart.

During the preparations for the memorial service we scanned hundred and hundred of pictures.  Going through many boxes of pictures, memories, keepsakes, awards, cards and letters. Know...if you ever sent her a card, letter, thank you note...she kept it.  She kept them all. Years worth of people loving on her.  But what happened to all that love..............?

In one of the boxes I found a story that we as a family read at her 2nd wedding.  It was an excerpt from one of her favorite books, "The Velveteen Rabbit".  I don't think she read it often because I believe it made her sad that she never had what it talked about.

My 2 favorite quotes from the book that I believe summed up what she never "got". 
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." 
 "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
In "Praying God's Word" Beth Moore points to Proverbs 19:22 "What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar". 

Huh....I am confused......this doesn't seem to go together.  Beth points out that if we fail to admit that love is our deepest desire than we are lying.  Lying to ourselves.  This then becomes an outward lie.  WOW.....can I say revelation.  My mom.....the life.....this history...the lies.

Beth Moore describes that these lies involved making an idol of something like material possessions or muting this desire with drugs and alcohol.

My mom "stockpiled" cards, letters, thanks you's....anything...anything that show her someone loved her.  But even with all those binders full of thank you notes, boxes full of notes of praise and congratulations.....she never internalized what was in those boxes.

She was looking everywhere for love.....looking for it in friends, awards, husbands, children, careers, even the Lord......but that step....the step where you ACCEPT that love into your heart....was never reached.  All of the above was never enough...she kept reaching and searching, begging for more.  I felt this need daily in my life as she continued to beg me for more and more and more and more....nothing ever being "enough".

I have realized....my mom loved me, the best that she knew how.  But I don't think she ever KNEW real love.

How well does one love when they have never really felt it in their own soul?

Because of her death.....her choice.....I have a hole.  A hole where her life should be. A hole in my heart that used to be filled by the sound of her voice and the smell of her perfume.

It is not God's will for anyone to perish.  He gave us this need for HIS love.

So this is my lesson to learn, my cycle to break, to take OFF her shoes and walk in my own.
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
       for I have put my trust in you.
       Show me the way I should go,
       for to you I lift up my soul.         Psalm 143:8 (NIV)"
 One thing I have learned is what LOVE feels like and looks like.  I found this is my husband.  I have watched him love on his children in a way I have never known.  I have watched him love on me unconditionally in a way I have never known.  He is my rock. My teacher, My covering and My friend.  He always reminds me to look up at the Lord for my strength.  He continually prays over me......doesn't matter if the black cloud is near or the sun is shining bright. He holds me up and prays for me when I don't have any strength left to do it for myself. He may not always understand but he never sways, he never stops.  He continues to be an earthly reflection of a what my Godly Father wants me to see, hear and feel.  I love how the Lord gives us exactly what we need.

I will continue...continue on with my lists each day.  Looking up, reaching out and changing my walk.

Daily I will fill my cup with the Lord Jesus.  For He is the only way to fill my cup, to fill the hole in my heart.......  
"You, eternal God, are my refuge, and underneath are Your everlasting arms.  You will drive out my enemy before me, saying, "Destroy him!"  (Deut. 33:27)"

Loving the Lord,
Loving Myself,
Loving my Family,
Loving my Friends.

"O God, please set my heart at rest in Your presence when my heart want to condemn me.  For You, God, are greater than my heart, and You know everything. (1 John 3:19-20)"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

New LIFE List.....I LOVE my Lists

My new list......I like lists....No really, I LOVE LOVE LOVE list.  Here is my new list for me to use, to focus on daily.  I got the idea from a friends blog regarding a new book "The Happiness Project".  A list of personal commandments. I added the book to my wish list and I can't wait to get it.  But of course...for me the list comes first.  :)

1. Get out of bed each morning......
  • dress
  • cover
  • breakfast: enough & on time
  • quiet time: bible, book, journal & smoothie
       "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, 
         left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed."  (Mark 1:35)

2. Breathe & Be present
          "Wait for the LORD;
               be strong and take heart
                    and wait for the LORD."
   (Ps 27:14)

3. Don't just plan......do it now, do it now, do it now!
         "She watches over the affairs of her household 
           and does not eat the bread of idleness"  (Pr 31:27)

4. Don't be a martyr....no one cares....Be active, be INVOLVED
           "see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."  (Ps 27:13)

5. Hug, Love, DANCE
           "a time to weep and a time to laugh,
            a time to mourn and a time to dance"
  (Ec 3:4)

6. Live in TRUTH- Tell it & Seek it
           "for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth."  (Ps 26:3)

7. Be today the LEGACY you want to leave
          "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good 
            to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."  (Gen 50:20)

My recent meditations

Psalm 27 (NIV)

 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear?
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?   
2 When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh,
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.
 3 Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident.
 4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
       this is what I seek:
       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
       all the days of my life,
       to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
       and to seek him in his temple.
 5 For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.
 6 Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.
 7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
       be merciful to me and answer me.
 8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
       Your face, LORD, I will seek.
 9 Do not hide your face from me,
       do not turn your servant away in anger;
       you have been my helper.
       Do not reject me or forsake me,
       O God my Savior.
 10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
       the LORD will receive me.

 11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
       lead me in a straight path
       because of my oppressors.
 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
       for false witnesses rise up against me,
       breathing out violence.
 13 I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.
 14 Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

1 Corinthians 11 (NIV)

 1Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.
Propriety in Worship
 2I praise you for remembering me in everything and for holding to the teachings, just as I passed them on to you.  3Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. 4Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. 5And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is just as though her head were shaved. 6If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved off, she should cover her head. 7A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; 9neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 10For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head.

 11In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 12For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God. 13Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, 15but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. 16If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice—nor do the churches of God.